A long time ago, I sold my soul to "the man", otherwise known as corporate America. Since they own my ass and keep me chained to a desk like Sloth from the Goonies during the hours of 8-5, Monday - Friday, I tend to occasionally drift into a coma like state after staring at useless spreadsheets that my employers pretend are actually pertinent in nature. During these times of hardship, I look to the vending machine located in the hallway outside my door. Today, I decided that Skittles were just the thing to 'perk' me up. I am writing to you now to express my disdain in your shitty product.
First and foremost, I didn't go to the vending machine and just pick D-7 for my own freaking amusement. I picked D-7 because I wanted some freaking Skittles, not Hot Fries, or whatever those are. Did you know that your product currently has a price tag of .75 cents? WHAT THE F*CK?! I should bring RICO (and just in case your legal counsel is out, that means Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations) charges against your ass as I feel you are now running a criminal organization similar to the Cosa Nostra. What marketing guru advised you of that smooth move? .75 cents, are you serious?!
So, in a moment of weakness and desperation, I purchased your fancy sugar pellets and cellophane packaging only to find 3 F'ING red Skittles. This is unacceptable. Everyone knows that the red ones are the best. Look, I'm a realist. You gotta keep your customer wanting more. I'll settle for the orange, hell, I'll even eat the purple ones, but to find that you are sparsely using any of the above mentioned colors is simply shocking not to mention idiotic. The lemon / lime shit you let escape your manufacturing facility fucking suck! I think you should be stripped of any ability sell this shit. I want my .75 cents back!
Sincerely,
Ms. LL
